Diabetes...WTF?

Diabetes.  Okay, I should have been more prepared for this as I have been borderline pre-diabetic for a while now and I know I've let myself go but...diabetes?  Really?

To be honest, I'm having a really hard time dealing with this news. And while my diabetes is not too severe, I've had to start taking medication in addition to making some lifestyle changes.  Changing my diet is a huge factor.  I eat what I want.  I hate salads, veggies and most fruits.  My food should never be from the sea.  I'm a meat and potatoes kind of guy.  Being told I have to change my diet for health reasons is much different than me saying I'm going to go on a diet because I want to lose weight.  This time the choice isn't mine.

What frustrates me most is that I don't feel any different today than I did 2 weeks ago.  Are there symptoms I should be feeling?  When I have a cold or the flu I know I'm sick and I know how to take care of myself so I feel better.  Why don't I feel sick now?  Would feeling "sick" make this more real for me?  Maybe, maybe not.  In many ways I wish I never went to the doctor.  I didn't need her to give this news, my ignorance was bliss.  I want to feel that way again.

I didn't tell my wife for a few days.  I didn't want her to know.  I didn't want to hear her solutions and immediate fixes.  She means well and wants what's best for me. I love her for this but I felt that this burden should be mine and mine alone.  If there is something wrong I should be the one fixing it without help.  But I also know that this diagnosis impacts my entire family.  When my kids are asking me to make pancakes or pizza how do I explain to them that I can't eat those things anymore?  This actually happened on Saturday when my kids wanted breakfast.  It was at that point I told my wife I couldn't eat them.  Why, she asked.  "Because I have diabetes!", I yelled. I was mad and I shouldn't have lashed out that way and later apologized.  I think she was shocked but as always, she took the news in stride and said, "Okay.  We'll figure this out together."

I'm frustrated, angry, depressed and I feel lost.  I don't like these feelings.  I'd rather not feel at all right now, but that scares me too.  As someone with a history of depression I don't like where my mind continues to drift.

You may think I'm being dramatic and you're probably right.  But I truly don't know how to deal with this.  It's silly that I'm getting this worked up over diabetes.  It's not like it's cancer.  There are people far worse off than I am, and I know this.  But I'm having a hard time accepting this fact, which is why I'm writing all of these feelings down.  No one will read this, and that's okay.  I'm doing this more for self therapy in the hopes that I can learn to deal with this issue and make the lifestyle changes necessary to keep this disease under control.